Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Future's So Bright ...

I was all set to post some optimistic thoughts about our hometown club. Something along the lines of "If the Mets go 13-13 the rest of the first half, and we just win 2 out 3 over the same time frame, we'll be five games out at the break, and anything can happen then." But then I read the pessimistic crap over at Capitol Punishment, and my heart's not in it anymore. Needham, you are the wind shear on my wings! Even the company men over at Nats Triple Play couldn't cheer me up. It really sucks when your season was effectively over May 15.

So now we're left with individual accomplishments to watch. Alfonso Soriano leads the American League in HRs, and with Albert Pujols headed to the DL, he could soon lead the majors. That'll be cool to watch. Speaking of Pujols, his injury becomes a dramatic new chapter in the long-running litigation of Non-Baseball Fans v. Baseball Fans. We can envision the cross-examination, and it won't be pretty:

Non-Baseball Fans Lawyer: How exactly did Mr. Pujols hurt himself?
Baseball Fan: He hurt his side going after a foul ball.
Lawyer: So, he was diving into the stands full-speed and bruised it against a seat, like Jeter?
Fan: No.
Lawyer: OK, so he fell into the dugout and banged it against the steps?
Fan: No.
Lawyer: He must have hurt it on a dive stretching out for foul pop headed down the RF line, right?
Fan: Ummm .. No.
Lawyer: Well, then, what exactly did he do?
Fan: [nervously] He just hurt it, that's all.
Lawyer: [beginning to shout] How did he hurt it ?!?
Fan: Ummm ... he turned to his left and started running.
Lawyer: "He turned to his left and started running." How old is Mr. Pujols, 87?
Fan: No, he's in his late 20s.
Lawyer: Late 20s. Is he obese?
Fan: No.
Lawyer: He's one of the worst players in the league right?
Fan: No, he's the best player in baseball!
Lawyer: So, the best player in baseball can't turn to his left and start running without hurting himself, right?
Fan: Well, he just turned too quickly ... it was the cross-over step ... it's a thinking man's game ... it's designed to break your heart ... [begins sobbing]
Lawyer: Nothing further. Your honor, I won't need to offer the videotape.

4 Comments:

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Chris Needham said...

Glad I could be of service.

If your gardenias and rhododendrons need pissing on, too, just let me know. I'll be there in a jiff.

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger Nate said...

Don't you mean back there in a jiff, Needham?

Cheer up DM, think of all the fabulous 2007 draft picks we're stockpiling.

 
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